Now is spring
1st March 2018
Today is the 1st of March and it is officially the beginning of spring. What is happening? Minus 15 degrees and heaps of snow everywhere is not exactly the most accurate representation of the new season. However, it is still spring. I like spring. I love how the sun was shining so beautifully today, and that it would warm my face for a few seconds even if everything else was frozen. Somehow the light still managed to bring both warmth and the hope that it might actually be spring.
I find it wonderful how this season represents something new. I find it magical that the earth is preparing for the blooming of new flowers and how old trees are waiting for new life (I have a feeling they might have to wait for another Forever, but that is a different story). It a blessing that each individual day brings new life and that I am lucky enough to be here to experience it. I guess these sensations can also be found in different shapes and sizes throughout the other seasons, but they somehow take more effort to notice and are more easily recognized throughout spring. There is something special with the slightly brighter mornings and how they slowly drag us out of the winter darkness. For what feels like months, the sun seems to merely have existed on the inside; now the light of day is finally revealing itself through creation.
Today is the 1st of March and I can’t believe it is actually spring! Facebook keeps reminding me of all the things I did a year from today, and it somehow feels like a different life. It also feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday when I was making decisions, trying to sort myself out, trying to guess what the future would look like and always feeling like life would always be drastically affected by where I placed my next step. Ohh, wait a second…. Maybe it does feel like yesterday because it could probably have been thoughts from just then. It could have been, but I don’t think it was.
During these past few months I have finally felt more settled than I have done in a very long time. Yes, I still have a million things on my “should have done”, “will do”, “hope to do”-lists, and I still have days when I run around like a crazy person trying to sort Everything out (like today). Yes, all these things are still there, but somehow I feel more peaceful and at ease through it all. It is as if Something has settled on the inside and it has allowing me to expand and reach way beyond «settled». I know that the decisions I make and the steps I take still matter, but I have also learnt that if I notice the steps whilst I take them, I will somehow be moved in the right direction by Something. As long as I focus on each individual step as I move along the path, the result of the journey will unfold itself in due time.
When I first moved to the UK, I prepared myself in every way possible. I spent months going through all the emotions and situations I might have to go through when moving away from home. When the day came and I finally moved to Leeds (I say finally as it can be quite stressful living in the gap between What Was and What Will Be), I felt very ready and prepared to face all the challenges I was expecting. I believe my preparations came in handy, but as I went through the different stages of my degree, I naturally also faced very different challenges than those I had foreseen. Luckily, I learnt whilst I walked, I grew stronger and when I finished my degree in July, I felt as if I was where I needed to be in order to face the rest of the world. I once again felt prepared and ready for the next chapter of my life. But hey, here we go again; it is impossible to be prepared for Everything, even if Anything might be an easy match on a good day.
I flew back home to Norway, and on the plane I was again stuck in the gap between What Was and What Will Be. It was a very interesting place to find myself, as it felt like I was floating in the unknown whilst hanging between two worlds. However, it was not necessarily an enjoyable place to be. Whilst I was sat there on the plane (and in the gap), I wondered if I would finally learn to fly once I touched the ground… Now I know that I am learning to fly every day. I am figuring out how I can use all that I am to be more than I thought I could be. I am learning to fly and I am doing it now. And I have realized that the gap between What Was and What Will Be, always is exactly that. The gap is always Now. Now is in this moment. I can choose to prepare for Everything (even if all I know is Nothing), or I can simply prepare to fly.
It is the 1st of March and I am so excited for this spring. I have exciting projects happening, performances I have not yet watched, rehearsals I have not yet attended, performances I have not yet performed, auditions I have not yet endured and decisions I have not yet made. There will be sad days and happy days, sunny days and cloudy days. All those days are still waiting, and all the Not Yets will come soon enough. The Not Yets are happening here, there and everywhere, they can be incredibly annoying as it often seems better if the Not Yets could just happen Now. But Now is now and Not Yet will always have to wait until we realize that there is no point in waiting for Not Yet. Waiting for Not Yet is useless when you can choose to step in the Now. Remember that the road will unfold itself eventually. And right now we don’t even have to know much about Eventually. Eventually will always be different than what we expect, regardless of how well we plan our expectations. The only thing we need is Now. And now? Yes, Now is officially the beginning of spring.